I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
