cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
