Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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