Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears