he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
