Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
