My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
