I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
