i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
