census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
