Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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