Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
