He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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