I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
