it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
