I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
