if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
