Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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