I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
