About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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