I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Life is so much better after having sex.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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