I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
