You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
