before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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