What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
