he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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