I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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