He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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