My friends, they love my intelligence
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
