is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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