i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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