my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
