So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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