There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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