I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
