My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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