Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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