youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
