my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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