Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
