No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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