Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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