I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
