whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
