if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
