i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
