Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
