We won't sleep together?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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