So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
is wine microwaveable?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
