i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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