my vag is so smooth its legendary
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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