U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
