Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I supernannyed him into submission
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
