I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
my poor anus
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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