Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
