the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
