1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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