It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
