Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
